I don’t know if you’ve been in a garden lately or, well, ever cause I don't know you at all but if you haven’t you might be interested to know that every garden now is inhabited by gnome statues, sometimes more than one and often many more than one. This phenomenon is the basis for a Bill Shakespeare re-launch aptly entitled “Gnomeo & Juliet”, because gnomes and played out Shakespeare stories are two things that were destined to collide at some point, amirite? Yeah so anyway this is a review of the Elton John scored film by this name that I was forced to watch at gunpoint for Valentine’s Day. You may be wondering “how does it feel to be gay now?” Well, thanks for asking, asshole. It’s not half as bad as it would have been if I had to see the Justin Beibler documentary that also came out this week. As for the Gnomeo movie, why the hell didn’t they just make a fifth Shrek instead? There wasn’t much of a difference between this and what that would have been, played out jokes, celebrity voices and an otherwise recycled script. The story pretty much follows the original plot, just all the characters are gnomes, and there is one major change, that being, surprise, they don’t die at the end. Boom! Spoiled! There, see? I saved you $22. You should have seen it coming anyway, so if you’re mad it’s because you’re dumb. This movie sucks it hard. In the wake of Black Swan fever I think I speak for everyone when I say I’m disappointed in the lack of girl on girl sex scenes. There is an intense rape scene though. Though not particularly graphic it seemed a bit out of place in a kid’s movie. Even more disturbing was the gratuitous cocaine use. While sex and drugs play pivotal roles in most films they just didn’t seem relevant in this one. Best part of the movie: Jason Statham cameo. Worst part of the movie: Jason Statham not banging a chick in front of a bus full of Asian school girls. Really, if you don’t have that what’s the point of making a movie?
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