Hello Meatball Fans!

Hello to all my future fan club members! This will be the first of many hard hitting, no nonsense blog entries by me, Meatball Valentine. So sit tight, fasten your chin strap and slip on that protective cup cuz I’m about to let it fly like a monkey at a shit fight. RELOAD!!!
Reading this blog you should expect to get the straight dope, no nonsense calls, just like I see ’em. This is that uncut, unadulterated shit you can only get from a remote village in south America, and for any kids out there, please only do half my blog at a time. This shit is potent.

Welcome to the NO SHIT ZONE.

First up, The Khyber Pub. I don’t want to hear any comments about how the Khyber sold out, or about yuppies, meatheads or hipsters. None of those people would accept me into their facebook groups and Im still holding that grudge way down deep in my front pocket. (If I could only figure out how to get my mouth on it…) But all those shits are just waters under my grundle-bridge, and I’m just here to talk food, and of course throw my recycling off the bridge cuz that Al Gore is full of shit man.

Overall the Khyber experience can be summed up in one word: Meh.

Firstly, the Khyber is no cleaner than it has ever been. So everyone rest easy there. Essentially it appears that the powers that be decided to just keep on some of the old roadies from back when it was a music venue, and use them as servers. Which is fine in theory, people reinvent themselves all the time and who I am to say who can do what and how. However, do take issue with a couple things. Firstly, from their appearance they came directly from the last concert with no sleep and nobody thought they needed to change their clothes either, which is odd cuz our sever was dressed in Steven Tyler paint on pants from 1991. Which is fine, I’m not one of those pantywaist dandies who take their fashion so seriously. It’s just that if this is how the servers are presenting themselves, I don’t want to see who/what they are hiding in the kitchen.

On to the food: I ordered a salad with a side plate of cheese fries and debris gravy. And after waiting for 30 minutes, my salad decided to show up. The salad was...well...a salad. I don’t write home, and I won’t start after eating that thing. The cheese fries, however, are another story. It’s a story of romance, love and clogged arteries. Smoked cheddar cheese and dark thick beef gravy with beef chunks covered a medium sized plate of fries. These little shits could only be described as decadent. Even though my lunch was small, these fries were so filling I could not finish them. Though the desire in me was great to see this lunch to completion, I could not, and was beaten by this unassuming, and oozy, aggregation of death.

I would like to also note that the bar has several events that it is currently marketing, one of which is a hand pump of a small keg of Pliny the Younger. For $15 you can buy a ticket in advance and get one beer served in a tulip glass. Yes, one $15 beer. As we were informed by our server, Slash, "It’s like, one of the most famous beers, maybe, in the world, I think." Or something, to profound effect.

But prices are reasonable and the food was decent (I haven’t become sick, and didn’t 'make a move' immediately after, both are excellent signs) so I will probably be back there...Maybe.

S.P. Oiler Reviews Movies #1: Gnomeo & Juliet

I don’t know if you’ve been in a garden lately or, well, ever cause I don't know you at all but if you haven’t you might be interested to know that every garden now is inhabited by gnome statues, sometimes more than one and often many more than one. This phenomenon is the basis for a Bill Shakespeare re-launch aptly entitled “Gnomeo & Juliet”, because gnomes and played out Shakespeare stories are two things that were destined to collide at some point, amirite? Yeah so anyway this is a review of the Elton John scored film by this name that I was forced to watch at gunpoint for Valentine’s Day. You may be wondering “how does it feel to be gay now?” Well, thanks for asking, asshole. It’s not half as bad as it would have been if I had to see the Justin Beibler documentary that also came out this week. As for the Gnomeo movie, why the hell didn’t they just make a fifth Shrek instead? There wasn’t much of a difference between this and what that would have been, played out jokes, celebrity voices and an otherwise recycled script. The story pretty much follows the original plot, just all the characters are gnomes, and there is one major change, that being, surprise, they don’t die at the end. Boom! Spoiled! There, see? I saved you $22. You should have seen it coming anyway, so if you’re mad it’s because you’re dumb. This movie sucks it hard. In the wake of Black Swan fever I think I speak for everyone when I say I’m disappointed in the lack of girl on girl sex scenes. There is an intense rape scene though. Though not particularly graphic it seemed a bit out of place in a kid’s movie. Even more disturbing was the gratuitous cocaine use. While sex and drugs play pivotal roles in most films they just didn’t seem relevant in this one. Best part of the movie: Jason Statham cameo. Worst part of the movie: Jason Statham not banging a chick in front of a bus full of Asian school girls. Really, if you don’t have that what’s the point of making a movie?

The Don Recommends

The Don fancies himself somewhat of a Renaissance Man. He enjoys art, music, fine dining (well any dining for that matter), and the ladies. Recently the Don attended the movies to view the short films nominated for the 2011 Oscars (animated and live action).

The Don highly recommends the Gruffalo from the animated nominations, however the other animated films were mostly forgettable. The Gruffalo is an endearing story that kids of all ages will enjoy apparently based on a popular children's book (since the Don has no kids, this was news to him).

The live action films were all very good and the Don enjoyed them thoroughly. The stories told were funny, serious, and interesting. It's well worth the time to enjoy these small films and the short vignettes of people's lives they tell.

If attending these films however be oprepared to deal with inconsiderate poepl who place large bags on the floor near an aisle seat and then do not move the bag when you make an effort to enter the row in a fairly dark room. Not to mention the freaks hanging out in the lobby in what appeared to be some film club meeting of sorts.

Best Wishes
-The Don

cReviews #1: Jones The Restaurant

Jones is a restaurant that doesn’t need to exist. If it was 40 years ago then it would probably be a decent place to eat but unless you have a fetish for eating in the Brady Bunch’s kitchen then there’s no reason to go here today. This is the brainchild of Philadelphia’s #1 wallet raper, Stephen Starr. Much like most of his other restaurants this one is what is commonly referred to as OVERRATED. Jones does, however, boast one feature that most restaurants do not and that is that they do not accept reservations. This works to the advantage of people with a tremendous amount of time to wait for an open table during those hectic lunch hours which, as it turns out, occur every single day. We walked in with no line and still waited 15 minutes. Really? There’s like 30 tables. The room is decked out with yellow shag carpet and wood paneling, populated by tables and chairs that appear to be purposely worn to look like they’re straight out of 1974. I had the chicken and waffles, a meal that combines two incompatible foods and covers them with gravy. Lame. Everything else on the menu is homestyle, boring and, most importantly, OVERPRICED. I was told our waitress had nice titties but considering I don’t remember them, they must have been pretty shabby, so thumbs down on the service. This place should burn down and be forgotten.

The Don Speaks (Worst Restaurants in Philly)

1. Amada - small portions, limited menu, too pretentious.

2. Distrito - Sounds like this may lead to dysentary. I'll pass (especially a watery BM after eating here).

3. Chifa - I hate when I get Chifa after a long bike ride. I sometimes forget to use the fancy cream they have to prevent this.

4. Tinto - I loved him on the old Lone Ranger shows.

5. Garces Trading - hopefully they are trading in the menu, staff, and wine list. I think they are trading illegal immigrants.

6. Village Whiskey - The only liquor The Don likes, is liquor in the front, and poker in the rear.

7. JG Domestic - really JG? Is this a New England catalog company or a restaurant? And what are the odd JG is really a domestic name? Has someone checked is passport?

8. Jones - piss poor menu selection, bland food, over-priced.

9. El-Vez - soooooo over-rated and over-priced, I do not even know where to begin.

10. Pod - The Don likes only one type of raw fish, and it's not served on a plate.